


Sunshine

by aishiterumo



Series: My personal Hematite [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Character Death, Depression, Gen, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:55:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25395730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aishiterumo/pseuds/aishiterumo
Summary: Felix is everyone's ray of sunshine except to himself.
Series: My personal Hematite [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1839322
Kudos: 19





	Sunshine

**Author's Note:**

> This work contain a MCD, please read with care.
> 
> A/N: this work is part of a series 'My personal Hematite' which contains therapeutic works i wrote during some of my dark moments (panic attacks, depression episode, dissociation episode etc). i wrote these to help myself, they may not make any sense and are not related in any way. read with care, and be mindful of your comments. Thank you.

Sunshine, sunshine, sunshine. Felix was everyone’s sunshine. He was everyone’s source of happiness, that one person you’d look forward to seeing at any moment of your day, for no particular reason, just because seeing them puts you in a good mood. Felix was that kind of person. But what was bound to happen, happened. It was unexpected, but kind of was expected, though. It happened quickly. So quickly that everyone thought it was a fever dream.

It’s not like no one expected Felix to actually be _that_ happy. Everyone kind of knew he was sad inside. They somehow knew he tried to smile brighter than he could. Were they surprised when they heard that Felix had been hit by a train? Yes, of course they were. But at the same time, no they were not.

Felix woke up one morning, knowing it was finally the day. He got out of his bed, his stomach telling him to go back to sleep. He felt like throwing up, maybe he was just too hungry. He got up on his feet, his head spun, as it always did. His eyes couldn’t focus on anything, it was almost pitch black. Used to it, he started to walk towards his small kitchen. His vision started to come back as he looked for something to eat. Rummaging through the cupboard, he sighed. He still didn’t get his paycheck, he didn’t have much food left; some ramen, a bit of rice, some coffee and lump sugar. He didn’t even have cereals. His stomach grumbled, but his nauseous state dissuaded him from trying to eat anything. He put the lump of sugar back in the box and closed the cupboard, taking a turn to his bathroom.

Walking to the bus station felt like an eternity. It usually took him ten minutes to walk there, but this morning it actually felt like half an hour—even if he only took twelve minutes, he did check on his phone. His body was numb, he could barely lift his feet off of the ground. Did he gain weight? That would be surprising, as he had not eaten in two days. When his bus arrived, he hopped in it. He saw one of his classmates from afar. Forcing a smile on his face, he took one of his earbuds out and greeted him. Once he had passed him, sitting at the far back, his smile disappeared, and a frown came back to his face.

Every day were the same. He was the ray of sunshine in everyone’s life. It was more tiring than getting up in the morning. He didn’t even know why he was doing this. Why did he even choose to bring happiness to other’s lives. Was it to fill the void in his own life? To counter the fact that he was unable to bring happiness to himself? Maybe that was it. The bus ride was his moment of self-reflexion. He wasn’t even listening to the music anymore, barely could hear the melody coming out from his earphones. The only thing happening in his head right now, was a list of all the things that went wrong in his life.

Did he start being unhappy when people faked being his friend in primary school? Or maybe that was when he was left alone in middle school? Or probably all the bullying he had been through? Did he start to want to kill himself when people asked him why he hadn’t thought of it? Or was it when he realized his family was falling apart? Was it the look of fear in his mother’s eyes? Or the fact that seeing his reflection in the mirror made him nauseous? Did he start starving himself before or after his grandparents told him he was fat? Did he even found himself pleasing to people’s eyes? He couldn’t remember. Did his obsession with knives came before or after one of his bully tried to stab him?

What had happened in high school for him to try to make people happy? Was it the change of surroundings, or the fact that someone had finally fell in love with him? Was it even happy with his lover in high school? Despite how hard he tried to remember, he couldn’t pinpoint the feelings he had whenever they hugged, kissed, or simply looked at each other. All he could remember was the staring from others, the remarks he had gotten, the wait for his lover to come faster, to not _leave him alone_. Did he try to make others happy after he realized he will never be? Did he even make one person truly happy in his life?

Was it enough to smile at someone to say _I made them happy_? Was everyone faking it just as much as Felix was, or was he the only one? Felix felt his head hurt as the memories kept flooding in.

The bus stopped, he looked through the window and saw his university. A small smile came at the corner of his lips as he stayed seated. The bus started off again, he stared at the building from his seat, at the back of the bus. His music was back at full volume in his ears. Fifteen minutes later, the bus stopped at his last stop. The train station. Felix got up and entered the station, looking at the timetable. The next train wasn’t supposed to arrive before at least thirty minutes. _Just enough time_ , he had thought.

Felix put his music a slightly bit louder, walking all the way to the platform that train was supposed to arrive at. It was empty, not even an employee from the station. _Perfect_. He casually walked to the far end of the platform, going over the public and secure area. Soon enough, he was walking on grass rather than the asphalt of the platform. Twenty-five minutes had passed, he was already far from the platform. He could hear the trains from afar. Five minutes to wait. Suddenly, the voice from the station spoke up—he could barely hear it. It announced that the train was _early_. _How lucky me,_ Felix was delighted. He didn’t have to wait any longer. The train could be heard even more.

Ironically, Felix looked sideways before stepping on the rails. He made sure he could see the train’s lights before stepping in. It hit him fast. It threw him forward but also sideways. He ended up falling half on the ground half on the rail, his back broke with a loud sound. Felix looked up, watching the sun high in the sky. He smiled. A single tear tray fell down his cheek. He couldn’t hear the music in his ears anymore—his phone had probably broken at the impact; he also probably had lost his hearing with the loud noise the train had made. He couldn’t tell how long it took him to finally lose his sight, but after that, it was only relief and peace.

It hadn’t been easy for Felix’s classmates, that day. Especially for those who had seen him on the bus. “ _He had seemed so—so happy, like usual? I don’t understand_ ,” they all said the same thing. He was smiling, so he _had_ to be happy, right? Because in their world, it worked like that. Despite everyone knowing Felix had never been happy a damn second of his damn life. It had been classified as suicide almost right away, Felix’s case wasn’t even a case. He was a broke student working a part-time job that didn’t even paid that good, barely eating, only studying and surviving. That was the sad truth about Felix’s life.

Felix’s university took one hour of one day to _commemorate him_. His friends told stories about how _genuinely good_ Felix was, how _happy and joyful_ he was, _all the good he had done_ and all that crap. Felix wasn’t good, nor was he happy, and all the good he did was purely selfish. He never liked anyone—or convinced himself he didn’t like anyone—and simply helped people because he couldn’t help himself. He kept on looking for ways to fill the voids in his soul, corrupted soul that drove him to that train. Felix was corrupted, with sadness and depression. Once again, when and where did it all started? He had no idea, he just knew it was there for all of his life, and now it was gone. He was gone, and people only remembered him as their ray of sunshine.

**Author's Note:**

> find more work on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/softflowermin) :]  
> you can also ask question related to my works on my [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/softflowermin)!


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